Not Dying Today
by xmarie08
Summary: When Sam and Castiel walk into a trap and end up stuck together with nothing to do but talk, Sam finds the conversation very illuminating... Sam!POV, Dean/Cas pre-slash


**Title**: Not Dying Today  
**Characters (Pairings)**: Sam, Castiel, brief Dean appearance; Dean/Castiel (pre-slash)  
**Ratings/Warnings**: PG-13 for language; Includes Season 5 SPOILERS!!!  
**Word Count**: 2,650  
**Summary**: When Sam and Castiel walk into a trap and end up stuck together with nothing to do but talk, Sam finds the conversation very illuminating...

Sam's hand shook as he reached for the blade; the mercurial metal shimmered in the candlelight.

_The weapon capable of crippling Lucifer._

As his fingers closed around the hilt Castiel's voice rang out behind him, "Wait, Sam—Don't!"

He spun around and just had time to glimpse the panic on the angel's face before it happened.

It was strange, a shockwave of silent thunder that seemed to suck all of the light and sound out of the room for a fraction of a second.

_It was a trap._ Sam thought. _Cas was right, it was a trap._

Then the building crashed down around them.

"Sam! Sam!" a panicked voice tugged at his consciousness, pulling him back from the void

_Dean? _He thought. _No, Cas._

Castiel's voice seemed muted.

_Like I'm underwater or something._

"Cas? Cas!" Sam sputtered as he inhaled a mixture of drywall and dust. A dry raspy cough overtook him and his eyes flew open at the excruciating pain that ripped through his abdomen.

"Sam!" he heard Cas call out, relief coloring his voice, but as the angel came clamored into view Sam saw his horrified expression a split second before he caught himself and plastered on his most detached angel face.

"That bad huh?" Sam said with a thin smile. He glanced down and saw a metal rod sticking out of his gut.

_Yep_, he thought, _it's that bad._

Cas knelt at his side, brow furrowed in concentration as he examined the wound, expression neutral. Except for the eyes. Sam looked into his eyes and saw fear and concern and pain.

_Huh._

That was surprising to Sam, that his imminent demise would cause Castiel pain. It's not that he and Cas didn't along but, well, they weren't exactly close. It was like they didn't really know what to *do* with each other. Cas was Dean's angel, though Dean hated it when Sam referred to him that way. But anyone who saw them together would make that observation. It was unsettling sometimes, the way they looked at each other.

As Sam's brain puzzled over Castiel's emotional state, Cas had started to reach for the rod. Sam whipped a hand up and caught him in time, "No! No, you can't. It's probably the only thing keeping me from bleeding out."

Cas gently squeezed his hand. "It's ok Sam. It's going to be ok." He reached two fingers up toward his forward.

"Ngh, no!" Sam turned his face and tried to squirm away, trapped like those insect specimens you see pinned on a collecting tray. "No, I don't want to sleep. Don't want to die asleep."

"You aren't going to die Sam."

He was starting to feel numb.

_Going into shock._

"Take care of Dean. Please Cas, you've got to take care of Dean. You've gotta—"

"Damn it Sam! Why won't you ever listen?" Castiel growled, his eyes flashing dangerously.

Sam sucked in a breath and his eyes widened.

_God, he sounds just like Dean._

Castiel's expression softened, abashed. "I'm sorry Sam. I can heal the worst of it, but I'll need to pull the pipe out. Ok?" His hands hovered over the metal.

Sam clenched his jaw and jerked his head once in approval.

Either due to the blood loss or some angel anesthesia, Sam didn't feel the anticipated pain as Cas dislodged the metal. Not even when Cas plunged his hands in to the gaping hole, brow furrowed in concentration.

As the minutes ticked by, Castiel worked his hands up back out of the wound track, until eventually they were hovering just over his abdomen, a strange electricity dancing on his skin.

Cas gasped and collapsed back against a pile of rubble. His eyes were closed and his breathing was labored.

_Shit._

Sam wouldn't put it past Cas to heal him at the expense of himself. He was learning from Dean Winchester, master of the self-sacrifice.

"Cas? Cas! Are you ok?"

"Yes. I'll be fine Sam. I just need a little time to recover."

Sam pushed himself up on his elbows, wincing at the pain. Cas may have healed the worst of it but his whole body was wracked with bruises and bone deep aches. He trailed a hand down his stomach and his fingers grazed a still healing scar, not unlike the one Jessica had a few weeks after an appendectomy, and Sam felt a stab of a different sort of pain.  
His hunter instincts were starting to kick in. He reached into his pocket to pull out his cell and found that it was mangled beyond recognition.

_So, no calling for help then._

He sat up and realized with a faint surprise that there were candles lit around them, _Cas must have done it, no way they stayed burning through the collapse._ Sam surveyed what was left the building.

They were deep in the bowels of an old stone church. There were no obvious escape routes

"Is there a way outta here?" he asked.

"No, we're completely sealed in this section."

"Can you…?"

"No, we'll have to wait for Dean to find us. My 'angel mojo' as you call it has been severely weakened being cut off from the host."

"I'm sorry" he said softly.

"Don't be. I made my choice—I made the right choice—and I don't regret that decision."

"Still…"

_If we were sitting in a crappy motel room now's about the time I'd go for a walk _Sam thought. And he realized he didn't want to run away anymore. Maybe it was Castiel saving his life again or just realizing that the guy cared enough to even try, but Sam decided he and Cas were going to talk.

"Do you miss them? I mean, no matter what happened, they're still family right?" Cas winced almost imperceptibly at the word family.

"It's difficult. I am, unaccustomed, to being on my own. The silence in my head sometimes is deafening," he smiled ruefully. "That's part of the reason I've started to ride in the car with you more. I like listening to the music. I find it soothing."

Sam chuckled lightly, "I don't know if soothing is the word I'd use to describe it."

"No, perhaps not," Cas said, lips curving into one of his barely-there smiles.

"Why else?"

Cas quirked his head, "Why else what?

"You said that's part of the reason you started riding with us. Why else?" Sam asked, eager to keep the angel talking.

Cas looked ahead, eyes unfocused, silent for so long Sam was starting to wonder if he'd forgotten the question. When he finally spoke he's cadence was halting, like he was having difficulty finding the proper words to express himself.

"I don't know exactly. I don't really know what I am anymore Sam. I'm not really an angel. My powers are diminished and slipping further from me."

Sam nodded, thoughtful, "You're eating and drinking and sleeping." Dean had been enjoying it. Teaching Cas about diner food and jello shots. "You didn't used to do those things did you?"

"No. I do not require these things like a human does, but with each passing week I find these habits becoming more of a necessity and less about the pleasure."

"Pleasure?" Sam asked startled.

Cas dropped is gaze to his lap, cheeks faintly red, "It's strange, being in this body by myself. My senses are so heightened. With Jimmy…" he trailed off, sorrow etched on his face.

After a moment he cleared his throat and continued. "He kept everything at a distance. I was *in* this world but not really *of* it if that makes any sense" he said with a slight shrug.

Sam thought about the demon blood, how it distorted his perceptions, "Yeah, I get what you're saying."

_Wow, this conversation is way more fucking illuminating than I could've imagined. _

"So, basically you're hanging with us for bacon cheeseburgers and Dean's crappy music?" he said with a snort.

Cas smiled, a real honest to goodness smile, "And pie. Don't forget the pie."

_God, he sounds just like Dean._

Sam returned the smile with a grin of his own.

Sam though about what Dean had told him about his trip to the future. He'd refused to say much of anything about, kept saying "It ain't fucking happening so there's no point discussing it," though Sam suspected he'd shared some of it with Cas. The only thing Sam managed to get out of his brother was after he'd practically poured a bottle of tequila down his throat, and it was about Cas.

"You should have seen him Sammy," he'd said, voice a slurred mixture of pride and awe. "He was totally badass!"

"Cas? Yeah, him and his terrifying trenchcoat?" Sam said with a snort.

"Naw," Dean said with the wave of his hand, "he'd ditched the coat and the monkey suit. Dressed, talked and fought like a hunter. Even had his own gun."

"Cas?! With a gun?!"

"Yep. Winona. Apparently I nicknamed it" Dean said with a snicker. "He was awesome dude, nearly kicked my ass!"

"Now *that* I can't wait to see."

And Dean's wince and immediate changing of the subject led Sam to believe that, for whatever reason, he wouldn't be around when that day came.

At the time, sitting in that shit-hole of bar, Sam couldn't imagine Castiel Angel of the Lord the humorless warrior of God as some hard core hunter. Couldn't imagine how someone could change that much. He was starting to see it though.

And the guy did have good instincts.

"I'm sorry I rushed us into this trap."

Cas sighed, "I know Sam. And I know why you did it. I know how desperate you are to stop Lucifer. I know you think it's your fault—"

"It is my fault! I started the fucking apocalypse!"

_It feels weird to say that out loud. _

"No Sam. You opened a door. That is all. We all played our parts. I unlocked the panic room. Ruby feed you her blood. Uriel and Zachariah and others let the seals fall. Dean shed blood in Hell. Jake killed you which caused Dean to sell his soul. Your Dad sold his soul. Your mom made a deal and so on. Trace the pattern back far enough and you'll find Eve bringing that apple to her lips. I'll tell you the same thing I told your brother once, it's not blame that falls on you, it's fate."

Sam was quiet for a moment, "It's not… I mean, I… I know you're right" he said with a frown. "Logically, I know that what you're saying is true but I just, I can't quite *believe* it. You know?"

Cas nodded, "Yes Sam, I know." He smiled a faint, sad smile that didn't reach his eyes, "Winchester's have an amazing capacity for guilt."

"Yeah, we do" Sam sighed.

"You need to more careful, for your own sake…. And for Dean's" the last bit was almost pleading.

"Dean will be ok," Sam said, surprised that he meant it. Castiel glanced up sharply. 'I mean, yes, you're right, I do need to be more careful. I will. But, Dean, you know, he'll be ok, no matter what."

"Sam, the last time you died he *sold his soul*."

"I know, but he, he was all alone then. I mean, my dad had died for him and then me. The only person he had left in the world was Bobby. But now, now there's you. He wouldn't want to leave you alone. And you wouldn't let him. You'd keep him from doing anything stupid. You'll protect him."

"Always." Cas said, tenderly.

_And that's… weird._

Tender was not word Sam would have ever imagined attaching to Castiel. But, he was Sam realized. He was when it came to Dean…

"Why'd you do it?" he blurted out.

"Do what Sam?"

"Disobey. Help Dean."

"Because it was the right thing to do" he said slowly, like someone speaking to a small child would.

"No," Sam rolled his eyes, "There's more to it than that. I mean, you weren't happy about it, but you were going to go along with game plan. So what tipped the scales?"

Dean had told him a little bit about the green room right after Lucifer rose. But with Cas presumed dead at the time Sam didn't feel comfortable pushing for specifics. Dean had been really upset, way more upset than Sam would have imagined, which made him feel like even more of dick, because how had he not noticed that his brother was friends with the angel?

Cas was staring at his hands curled loosely in his lap. He looked….

_Embarrassed? No. That can't be right. Unless…_

Holy shit. 

When Cas had reappeared after being presumed dead Dean had pulled him into a bear hug. Cas was sort of dumbstruck at first, just standing there like a statue before finally, gently wrapping his arms around Dean, eyes fluttering closed, and tucking himself against his neck. By the time Sam started to feel awkward about his brother wrapped around another man they'd broken away and Dean had punched Cas in the shoulder and grunted, "Don't scare us like that man." With everything that was happening, Sam had kind of forgotten about that whole exchange.

And now he felt like an idiot for not having put it together sooner.

_He's in love with Dean._

Sam started replaying the last six months in his head, all the long looks and the lingering touches. And it wasn't just Castiel.

_Holy fucking shit. _

Dean was in love with Castiel too.

_Dean Winchester—likes long legs and big breasts—Dean Winchester, was in love with guy. Well, Cas isn't exactly a guy but…_

And Sam couldn't help himself. He started laughing. Hysterically.

Castiel's eyes narrowed and he regarded Sam with a mixture of suspicion and disbelief. "Sam?"

Sam was trying to catch his breath and regain his composure when they heard Dean calling for them.

They scrambled to their feet and moved in the direction of his voice.

"DEAN! WE'RE DOWN HERE!" Sam bellowed.

"Thank god. Hey, you guys ok!?"

"Yeah. Now hurry up and get us the hell outta here!"

It took several hours and a length of rope, but eventually they made it out.

And Dean immediately took them to task.

"Dude, what the hell were you two thinking? Goin' off by yourselves like that?"

Sam looked down, as he felt himself flushing, "I—"

"We got a lead that we felt needed to be followed up on," Cas jumped in.

It was a simple thing, but it was the sort of thing his brother would have done.

_Thanks Cas_, Sam shot him a grateful look.

"Yeah, well you got led right into a trap," Dean snapped. "You could've been hurt. Or killed."

Sam silently prayed Cas wouldn't bring up the whole impaled-on-a-pipe thing right then.

"Dean." Cas said firmly, eyes never leaving Dean's, "We are both fine."

They stood there, Dean and Cas staring at each other, Sam staring at the two of them until an errant thought flicked through Sam's mind, _Oh, just kiss already!_

This, of course, led Sam to start giggling like a 12 year old girl.

"Hey Chuckles, anything you want to share with the class?" a bewildered Dean asked.

Sam shook his head and tried to stifle his laughter.

"Did he hit his head?" Dean asked Cas.

"I don't believe so. Perhaps he's just overtired?"

Dean shrugged, "Maybe. Better get you both in bed."

Sam doubled over, howling with laughter, tears filling his eyes.

"Seriously Dude. What the hell is the matter with you?" Dean asked.

"Nothing! It's nothing. Just been a very weird night. Let's get outta here."

He strode off to the Impala leaving a confused Dean and Cas in his wake.

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Feedback would be greatly appreciated!


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